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Hypochondriasis

Wednesday, 25 July 2012 @ 21:02 | 0 Comment [s]

Perhaps, it is without conviction that I write again, today.
There are, without a doubt, examples, role models in my life. I look upon them with respect, and I look upon without regrets or fear that I will ever urge myself into becoming who they are.
There are, also, the other role models, which I look upon, and feel a flutter in my small being - at first of anger, then of indifference. These are the people that I learn from, and these are the people that see me as a student, as a person in need of guidance.
Occasionally, these role models would impose themselves upon me. But only, ever so occasionally. The rest of the time, I stick my head out in worry for the people that I care for, that they would be the prey, the targets of these role models.
I feared, that if they did, that if they became the predator's prey, all hope would be lost. And all hope was lost, for the prey was already buried, deep into the depths of cynicism and bitterness, across the surface of materialism and habitual superficiality.
But, I still hope.
Hoping to pull one out of that place. Fruitlessly, hopelessly hoping, to no avail, that I would make a difference. I suppose, now, I make less of a difference than I wanted to, and possibly made no changes to how things are. Certainly, there still must be some good. Because for one to allow another to ramble on about pointless things, would take a lot of courage, a lot of perseverance and a lot of trust. I trusted.
For a role model to be constantly hitching herself, himself, themselves onto that person I trust, that person that I care for, I worry. And I worried more than I ever did for the first time, when I realized that the person trusts him,her, them back.
Has anybody cared for a person to the extent that no matter how harsh, no matter how dark, how blunt the critique is, you put it bluntly in their faces? Has anybody felt the need to rip two "good" friends apart, because the negative influence of one upon the other is barely anywhere near good?
I felt it. But at the same time, I stopped myself.
And I despise myself for stopping, stopping whilst I could have made a whole new world out of it.
I still care. And I won't stop caring. But I don't give two damns about the role model: As a nurturer, a caregiver and a senior, I am utterly disgusted by your lack of self-control, your lack of intuition and mental capacity to think. As a child, a grower, and an emerging soul, I fail to see why you fail to practice what you preach, and I see only your hypocripsy; as an equal, a person, from one human to another, I fail to see why you live by such a lack of morals, and such lack of integrity.
But I still care, for the people I care for. I won't beg for the role models to stay away. I won't beg for the role models to correct themselves, nor for the role models to leave. Because I respect that choice of the person, and I respect that he, she, it respects you.
But for all I care, stay out of my damn life, and my damn world, and stay away from my damn people.

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