Thursday, 6 September 2012 @ 23:02 | 0 Comment [s]Every once or twice a day, I lie on my bed and listen to the silent beating of my heart. Every pound screams at me and yells at me, and it would not stop. Then, I roll around on my side until I slide off the bed, with my hands firmly gripping onto my soft, velvety blanket, until I am curled into a soft, vulnerable ball. I am but a child now, a weak child, I tell myself.
Under the blanket I tremble slightly as the first blast of cold wavers and lingers. I blink my tears out quietly, muffling the quiet sobs with my shaking fingers. It'll be alright, I chant, it always gets better. Slowly, something within me gives way, and I feel my chest rip itself into pieces, fragments, millions of shards that shattered into many other millions as it hit the ground.
I beg quietly in the dark for forgiveness. For hope, for light.
Are you pleased now, I ask. Will you hurt me again if I submit? Memories filled my mind just as teardrops filled my eyes. My heart, bursting with pain, with sorrow, with the need to be held, was bleeding. I know, because I felt it bleed. Every droplet that dripped and splattered against my weary soul was brimming with sadness, with excruciating pain, and all I knew to do was to bite myself, to stop myself from hurting more. My lip burned, and my eyes burned.
Why are you doing this to me? The angry voice bemoaned. Why? Why? Why? The invisible forces pounded my heart fiercely, unforgiving. I'm sorry, I'm wrong, I'm so sorry... That was all I could murmur, and that was all my heart could murmur. Within my mind, I heard the jury object, again and once more. Why are you apologizing? Why?
The pain was agonizing. Tear slid, blood slid. The tangible, and the ethereal. Forgive me, for hope, for light.
And it burst within me. Light slid into my conscious mind, reminding me of who I was, of who I could have been! Hope slipped back into my heart, for I knew I wasn't wrong - I hadn't lived in denial, I hadn't done wrong.
How can you be so cruel? So terrible? So mean.....? The voice faded into silence. I knew. I know, now.
I prayed silently that you would finally face up to yourself.
xoxo: S. , D.B. , J. , K. and others that helped me along the way.
I decided to feature a Mandopop song today, not because I'm fond of the genre, but because for some reason, when I chose to write this post, the very first thing that came into my head was this song. Believe me, for some reason I felt that it would latch onto the feelings of the post.
The title - "寂寞寂寞就好" or rather, "Just let me be lonely, lonely". It's kind of how I felt - when I realized that I was left out time after time. Just let me be lonely, leave me out forever. Don't let me feel anything more for you, so I won't be hurt again. Don't let me hold on to you. Don't let me love you anymore.
I didn't act in front of you, but you did, so either way, I brought it upon myself. It was what I wanted, but not now, so I brought it upon myself.
[Song-Of-The-Post: 寂寞寂寞就好] (Check out the top!)